Man vs. Woman: Equal vs. Same

Having my first girl has opened my eyes to a lot of things, even in the short 9 months she has been alive. Coming from being a mom of 3 rowdy boys, I can honestly say when I was pregnant with her, I would have been just as thrilled to have another boy. I love my boys. I love having a boy pack. I love doing boy things. I love their wildness. I love their energy. When we found out it was a girl, I was happy but honestly could not even process the information. I didn't know what it meant to have a girl. In my mind, she would most definitely be a tomboy and she would be just like one of the boys--with a bow. Growing up, I myself didn't even identify much with the "girly-girls", and I came to despise what I assumed was the "fragile" girl personality. I said for years that if God gave me a girl like that, Id go crazy.

Then came Astrid. 

My all time favorite picture of her because of the deep expression on her face.

When Astrid was born, the moment I saw her face a strong emotion came over me. Being the type of person I am, I was embarrassed to lose my composure in front of all the people in room (yes, even half naked and just having birthed a child). But I choked up.. I really wanted to cry! Had I been alone, I think I would have lost it completely, but the natural instinct to guard my emotions rose up. You see, the moment my daughter was born, there was an instant, deep, connection. She was a woman, like me. There was no barrier between us.. Whereas my boys would never know what its like to be a woman, I knew exactly in that moment what lied ahead of Astrid in the years to come. I knew all about the boy crushes and one day desire to be loved by a man, the instinct to nurture everything from lost kittens to one day her own children, the struggle to pick the right shoes that made her feel like Belle on her 5th birthday, to the day when she would pick her wedding dress.

And then, me being the person that said all my life I wanted a "tough" daughter, I was gifted with the most angelic, gentle, sweet, perfect little princess I could have ever imagined. She was perfect. Perfect. I felt so unworthy of her, like a mere mortal that had been gifted with an angel from Heaven. The hospital room, our house, the whole world around her didn't seem worthy. She shone like an angel and the world around her seemed so dull. For the rest of those first few months, I would hold her and stare at her. Move her head to the side. Stare at her. Lay her down. Stare at her. Move her arm. Stare at her. I was just in awe. We had named her a princess name and she was undoubtedly a princess. I was completely convinced her poop would even be rainbow sparkles.

She wasn't rough and tough, no, she was gentle and pure. She wasn't loud and rowdy, no, she was docile and sweet. She is 9 months old and she is like a little piece of Heaven.. so pure, so sweet, so innocent, so dainty, so heavenly. Her smile makes you feel like pixie dust has just been sprinkled all over you. It wouldn't shock me at all if there were feathers trailing behind her every where she went, she is that angelic. Its surreal. And I cherish her so much.. I would kill to protect her innocence. I would turn into a violent angry lion in the chance of someone trying to harden her heart or pollute her spirit. I never knew such vulnerability could be so beautiful.. She is a pure, soft light in a hard, dark, cruel world. 

I see these arguments on women's rights, and it saddens me. In preparation for this blog, I did a little research to find that modern history separates the women's rights movement into 3 waves. We are currently a part of the 3rd wave. The first wave had to do with women's voting rights and that iconic part of history we all know. The 2nd wave, however, seemed to veer in a different direction and went on to sexual revolution and sexual "liberation" . The 3rd wave picked up where the 2nd wave left off, Wikipedia citing that issues in the 2nd wave were never really resolved. In my own generation, the push to equalize men and women is strong. Equal pay, equal opportunities, equal access to all jobs, equality in the military, equal expectations in the home, etc etc etc. But this is what saddens me… where did we get off the path and decide that equal meant the same? Yes, I believe women should have equal pay and respect. Yes I think they should have equal rights. But so what if I can't bench press as much as a man? Does that make me less?

We have assumed in our culture that femininity is weakness. Emotions and emotionalism are weakness. Tenderness is weakness. We say we fight for the respect of women, yet we send the message that a woman is only as good as she can pretend to be a man. Let me let you in on a secret, I don't want Astrid to prove to me she can rough it with my boys. Sure, Im sure being the youngest of 3 boys, she will at some point be immune to them, but I don't see her as less because she cant take her older brother by the neck and twist his arm behind his back. Her strengths are in who God made her to be.. Tenderness is a gift, a sensitive conscience is a gift, empathy is more valuable than gold…When did we decide that physical brawn was more respectable than the ability to understand and relate to another human's emotions?  When did connecting to your own emotions or the emotions of others become a weakness? Remember how in the beginning of this story I told you I was too embarrassed to cry? Why? What is wrong with crying? In the Bible, God never praises callousness of heart. In fact, those he loves he gives them a "heart of flesh". Our emotions are the very thing that connects us with God, who IS Love. How can you connect to Love if you can't feel? How can any of us distinguish ourselves from mere beasts if we have no compassion and empathy for other humans? God made us as relational beings, and you have to have emotions for relationships. In my opinion, women have a God given gift--that thing we called "women's intuition". Did you know in the Bible, Wisdom is a person and she is a woman? Yet we condemn ourselves and our young girls, we feel stupid. We feel weak. We feel vulnerable. We feel ashamed to show our tenderness. We feel less.

If the world was full of women that had true dignity, knowing their value as a WOMAN, we would have a much different world. We have half a world where women don't know their worth past the worth of livestock, and half a world of women who think they are only strong if they can fight like a man. Neither side is a healthy mindset. I believe there is a reason why Satan has attacked women… Women have an invaluable place in our world. We are the only ones that partake in creation with God, we make humans. We have a gift for loving and nurturing and connecting with others, which clearly across the Bible is at the very heart of God. We are strong, sometimes just like men, but in our own ways as well. Women are not in any way the lesser creations. But we need to know who we are… this identity crisis is crippling us! No one sees a lion and a cheetah comparing themselves and trying to act like each other, there is nothing wrong or less with either yet they have different strengths and weaknesses. God made all of his creation with variety with a reason. There are no two humans alike, and we need to use our strengths to work together, not fight endlessly to be all the same. We will never win that war.

I aim to raise Astrid to with a strong sense of dignity, in who she is. A woman. With no shame. And I also aim to raise my head high, as an example to her. I encourage you not to get sucked into meaningly "womens rights" arguments that diminish femininity and send the message that we are not enough.  When I look at my daughter, it would be a tragedy to see her reject her true self according to what society says she should be. When we chose her name, I chose it because it means "Divine Strength". I thought she would need it to survive in this world and be respected, but I didn't realize what that true strength would be… Strength to be yourself. Strength to stay soft in a hard world. Strength to be a woman, whatever that may be, in its truest form, according to how God designed her. I hope she is never afraid to cry in public. I hope she feels honored to be able to transcend her emotions to others. I hope she can use that to make her world better and to soften hearts.

I will probably never be completely a "girly-girl", and thats okay. No two women are the same. This is not me presenting the mold we should all fit it.  Its not pink versus blue, ballet versus softball. Let us not diminish ourselves in that pettiness. But I will go on from this day with a deeper appreciation for my femininity. I will challenge the ideas of what defines a "weakness". I will fight for true respect of all women, not trying to make them what I think they should be or what American culture says they should be. And I will fight to keep Astrid tender.. because that tenderness could be the hope for the next generation.

When the Church Hurts

I grew up in church, inside the church. I have seen things from the inside out. I have spent time with the leadership, been in the leadership, and volunteered my little heart out. We were the people that went to every meeting as a kid--every revival, every extra group meeting--and now my kids have become little church mice as well. I have literally spent most of my life "in" the church. I have given my life and my family to the church. It is who we are, it is what we are. I'm married to a church musician. We don't have other careers. Our life is the church. Bottom line. 

But you know, its kinda funny to say that now, because growing up in church, I was very bitter at the system. I have seen things you wouldn't believe. (Or unfortunately maybe you will.) I have experienced things that are a disgrace to the institution of God and His name. I wrote a song one day you will hear (when I finish it) that talks about my heart for the victims of the church and the corruption that is sometimes found inside God's temple. 

I know church culture well. I can pick a person out of a crowd and tell you they are a church leader. No one has to explain to me their problems, you only have to say a couple sentences and I already have the whole picture. In general, its the same story everywhere. Some places are worse than others.

The church is made up of imperfect leaders and people. Mix that with our own personal cultures, beliefs and problems, and we have a lot to talk about. 

But Im not writing this post to validate your anger. Gosh, I could write a book on that subject!

Im writing this post because hurt inside of the church is inevitable. The very best of leaders and best of churches are still imperfect! Satan has created a "machine" that works so well that he literally just has to put a few pieces in place and it takes off on its own and continues on with very little maintenance from him. Ive seen it in action so many times and I feel compelled to urge you all to learn how to take back your lives, your churches, your communities, and ultimately get OFF the machine.

My journey from a bitter, angry, teenager to a person that loves and appreciates the church has been something that I desperately want to share with others. I have learned the true way to win at Satan's game and to stay on the path towards the calling God has for me. I've seen many people jump off that path and throw their lives away, victims to Satan's machine. 

1. The most important thing for you to do is to keep your heart right.

What does it mean to keep your heart right? There are three things you must stay in, or else you have already lost the battle. If you are not willing to submit to God and have a character that reflects Him, then you really can't complain about someone else's character.

The three things you absolutely must never lose are forgiveness, love, and humility. 

These things all go hand in hand together and it might be impossible to have one without the other. I have seen so many people flushed out of the church system because they were angry at the pastor, and they didn't even realize that by leaving the church angry, they got off God's path and consequently years later their lives have become absolute messes. This is not a "You leave this church and you won't be blessed." speech. But making any decision out of bitterness is the wrong decision. You have now jumped onto Satan's machine. His machine works with human nature's weaknesses--offense, bitterness, offense, bitterness. The only way to win at his game is to refuse to play. When you respond with forgiveness, you take the tools out of his hand. You jump off his track and onto God's. This does not mean that the person that wronged you is off the hook, that is God's business, it means that you refuse to play ball with Satan. If a person is really wrong, then they have made decisions that spread the fruits of the flesh. You responding to their offense by doing the same, because they did it first, doesn't really make much sense does it? You spread life! You spread goodness! You spread the fruits of the Spirit! You live your life according to God's character, regardless of what another person does! Be willing to live above reproach! We have believed the lie that bitterness is an adequate response to offense, when in reality its just as toxic. Now, instead of you being the victim of crimes another has perpetrated against you, you are the one perpetrating the crimes against yourself. Bitterness is poison. It is a sin. It will steal your life, keep you from the blessings and promises of God, and it will allow Satan ample room in your life and family to wreak havoc. When you stand before God, you will not be able to blame the person that hurt you for your bitterness. Besides the fact that it is detrimental to your life, it is sin., and again, if you are unwilling to live above reproach then what business do you have accusing another? Seeing faults in another person's character should inspire us to rise above and live with most integrity we can, not match them in their lacking.

That kinda brings me to the humility. The best way to stay in forgiveness is to stay in humility.  When you realize that God has forgiven you of much, you are able to forgive others. The parable of the king that forgives his servant of much, then the servant doesn't forgive his friend of little is very accurate in illustrating bitterness. No man has moral authority to accuse another. Most people that are angry truly think they are a better person that the person they are angry at. But the Bible tells us that all fall short. I guarantee if you asked God to show you, he'd remind you of some things he has forgiven you of if you are having problems seeing it. We all have ugly things we have done, ugly things that have been in our hearts at one point, things we wouldn't want ANYONE to ever know. If you don't think you do, you are just too blinded by pride to see it. One of the absolute worse symptoms of pride is blindness. Just like a person walking blind down the highway, you are going to have a lot of damage in your life if you are blinded from pride. Pray for God to help you have a humble heart, and accept it when he shows you that you are no better than the person you are angry at. That doesn't mean that what he or she has done is not wrong, even horrendous maybe, it means that all sin stains and its not our place to be weighing them against each other. The Bible says that pride reeks before God, that he hates it. Those are strong words.

One thing that humility brings is compassion. This is where we get to love. Once you have let go of the pride, you can see people through God's eyes. I learned this lesson as a parent. When I discipline my children, I try my best to redirect them based on who they are, not what they have done. I do not tell my son "You are rude! Stop taking toys from your brother!", I tell him "You are a good boy and that's not what good boys do. Lets share." I always let him know WHO he innately is, and encourage him to make decisions based on that. If he does not know his God given purpose and identity, he will be incapable of making good decisions. In the same way, we need to separate who a person is with what they do. This is hard when you are hurt. All you can see is what they have done to you, and its hard to think of them as a beloved child of God. In fact, some people get bitter at God because they want him to be just as angry as they are. Why do you love him? Why do you continue to bless him? Why haven't you disciplined him? The reality is that first off, its not our place to question God. God answered Job very clearly on that one. We need to accept the fact that just because we see the situation a certain way doesn't mean we see the whole picture. God is only one that sees the whole picture. Just because a pastor or leader has wronged you doesn't mean God has written him off. You need to accept this. He or she is still a creation of God, formed with love and devotion and detail, with a purpose and a calling. If he needs discipline, God will do it his way when he says so, because he knows what will bring forth the most life. His goal is not just to throw lightning strikes from heaven at every person that sins, his goal is to edify and to build people up to be better and act better. We better be glad he is like that with others, even our enemies, because that means he will be like to us. God does not play favorites, so don't ask him to side with you. 

If you cannot see a person's worth in the midst of their mistakes, you have bitterness. If you can't talk about them positively, you have bitterness. If when you think about them, talk about them, or see them and you get ugly feelings inside, you have bitterness. If you can't continue to be kind to them, love them, and believe in the person God called them to be, you have bitterness. 

If you have bitterness in your heart, study that subject in the Word. Ask God to help you forgive. Love on purpose. Sit down and purposely focus on all the good things you can think of about that person. Ask God to help you if you can't think of any. Ask God to help you to not be deceived or blinded by your pain. Make up your mind that whatever Satan (or that person) throws your way, you will stay in love and forgiveness. Its a journey. Sometimes it takes time..but its the difference between life and death, peace and darkness, joy and sadness.

But just because God wants you to forgive and love does not mean he wants you to roll over and play dead...

2. Always speak the truth in love. 

The thing you can do, and must do, is speak the truth. This does not mean the truth will be received. In fact, many if not most times, it is met with anger and even outrage. But you still have to do it! Many women I have noticed deal with this in their marriages. They want so badly to just be happy and not fight, that they just don't say what they know is true to avoid a blow out. (Im not saying this doesn't go both ways, but I have noticed it especially in women because we often have a desire for the approval of our husbands.) The worse scenario in our mind is that our husband lashes back, insults us, rejects us, make us feel like the bond between us is broken. But a Godly woman makes a decision to speak the truth in love, no matter the outcome, because ultimately that's the only way a situation can get better. The same way, I have seen churches where no one talks because they don't want to be branded the lunatic or kicked out of the group. I want to believe that most church problems are between well intentioned people, but of course sometimes there are cases when someone is blatantly wrong without conscience. In these situations, and even in the situations where the person has good intentions, we have to continue to speak the truth. If we don't, we allow Satan to sculpt the culture to his likings. Its our responsibility to shape the culture according to the Bible. For example, I truly believe if there wasn't so much social pressure against racism, we would have people and sects completely out of control with racism. In the slavery days it was socially accepted to treat African Americans harshly, the general public did not speak out against it. Sin became unchecked. We cannot keep quiet or roll over, or we hand our communities to Satan. But that takes courage and character! Don't be intimidated!

But just as important as it is to speak the truth, its important how you say it. Speaking the truth is only effective if you are speaking it in love. If you are speaking it out of anger or contempt, you are back on the machine. Jesus spoke with authority, not with offense. If you cannot speak the truth in love, in a positive, edifying way because you believe in the person you are speaking it to, with humility and forgiveness, then its better maybe to not speak it at all and to pray and seek God to deal with the issues in your heart before you try to make a difference. You have to be right before you can fight for whats right. If you can't speak the truth in love, that's a serious problem. Earnestly seek God and allow him to shape you into an effective tool for the kingdom. If you are able to speak it in love, then do so at every possibly opportunity because every time you do you are bringing light into darkness. 

And when you have done these things, keep your faith up.

3. Keep your perspective.

You need to know that even in the midst of tribulation, God can bring life and goodness out of something ugly. The Bible says he turns all things around for the good of those who trust Him. Chances are God has you right where he wants you, whether you like it or not. I have heard things like "God wouldn't want me to be unhappy." This is untrue. Sometimes we focus so much on the problem we have that we can't see all the things God is doing around that problem. Maybe he is developing your character. Maybe he wants to use you to be an example to the person that is hurting you. Maybe he is using you to bless others in the situation you are in. The saddest thing to me is to see someone leave the church because 2 people hurt them, when there are 300 other people in the church that loved them. People sometimes are so focused on one person that angered them, that they take for granted how much God has blessed them through that church, maybe even through that person that hurt them. My husband and I met in a church where we were both hurt. He wanted to leave so many times, and I did too, and if we would have we would not have met. We would have stepped off the path God set before us, and maybe missed out big time. I also see people that have their families and their kids invested in church, thriving, leave the church and then all of a sudden everyone in their family is disconnected from that network of people God placed in their life, and things starting getting all out of whack because they did not appreciate the blessing God gave them in a church family, and the need they had for it. 

I also see people leave the church when they had their own spiritual sheep in it that they abandoned. Maybe God was using you to bless others and you forfeited his calling for you at this time. If the place is so bad, then why should it shock you that God sent you there to make a difference?? If a man was married to a hateful, spiteful woman but he had children with her, would he be just in leaving and never coming back because of his wife? No! Those kids still need him! His job would be to be the best father he could be to his children, even if he couldn't change his wife, and to not let her problems steal his joy and peace. In the same way, sometimes we spiritually abort the plan God has to use us because we have our eyes focused on offense. 

If you know someone that has left the church offended, don't be passive! Go for that sheep!  Go to their house, call them, do whatever you have to to urge them not to step off the plan of God. A person should only leave a church when they feel like God is leading them somewhere else, and I rarely if ever see God lead you out of a situation while you are angry. He almost always wants to develop your character first, so that you wouldn't be angry. If someone is mad at you, then don't just sit there and say "Its not my fault."! Even if you are right, they are being lured by Satan...fight for them! Go try to fix whatever you have to with them! We have to be proactive about fighting for the sheep in God's kingdom. Love them passionately, as if it were your own prodigal child.

If you are hurt, then please don't jump ship. Stay the course. Submit to God. Trust Him. Pray ceaselessly for the church. Be willing to accept that you might be wrong. If you are right, then decide to fight God's way. If you know someone that has left the church angry, go after them. If you need any more teachings on any of these subjects, I encourage you to check out Joyce Meyer's free videos on her website or podcasts available for download. 

Mathew 5:9 Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.

xoxo Stephanja